Yet another year just whizzed past me. A lot has changed – for the better and I don’t regret a moment, a decision or any experience.

Getting ‘gangraped’, with a dozen guys stripping me, throwing all sorts of concoctions on my body mixed with cold water in this December chill, was never my idea of a birthday celebration. But then, there’s nothing like an experience that lasts a lifetime.

Happy birthday to me!

Thank you to all those who’ve been a part of my life. Thank you to all those who were a part of my life. Waiting for all those, who will be.

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… from thoughts that keep dragging me back into the past.
… from tangible things that remind of things that I try to avoid.
… from You.

The pin stuck inside my eye still hurts. Always will. Peace.

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तेरी ख़ुशबू में बसे ख़त मै जलाता कैसे…
प्यार में ड़ूबे हुए ख़त मै जलाता कैसे…
तेरे हाथों के लिखे ख़त मै जलाता कैसे…

पर तेरे ख़त आज मैने जला दिए… आग लगा दिए…

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You should’ve said this a long long time ago…

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I feel more and more disconnected from this world. One day, I’m going to renounce everything and go live in the jungles.

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I shall never forget that night. Never shall I forget what you taught me without even trying to teach me anything. I felt like I knew it all but got all nervous when it hit me. Life knows how to give you reality checks.

Untaught Lessons.

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It’s 12.30 AM. I’m in bed and not in a particularly good mood. I sit here, whiling away time and my mind wanders off somewhere. I do not daydream. I do not try to simply pass my time. I question. I question what happens to people. I question their fate.

I rarely find myself thinking about MYSELF. For the better part of the day, I am absorbed in my own thoughts. In these moments, I turn into a philosopher, a poet, a scientist… It’s like a flurry of emotions that take over my mind. I see what happens to people and try to analyze their situations. I do not merely wish to sympathize… I wish to empathize. In this weird pursuit of mine, I find myself imagining myself drowning in the sea, just like that young boy did. I imagine I’m his mother, sobbing at night, under the cover of darkness. I imagine I’m his brother who wishes he could tell him how much he loved him. I imagine I’m his girlfriend, cursing myself for fighting with him, one day before he was gobbled up by the unrelenting ocean.

It is a very unique feeling, to be able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes without even wearing them. My heart beats, as if it’s theirs. And all of this has evolved over a period of 10 years. I clearly remember myself, laughing heartlessly at situations which demanded respect. But there has been a complete metamorphosis.

This is when the queries arise. I keep thinking, keep trying to find answers to questions, which in the very first place are not even meant for me and in all probability do not serve any worthwhile cause. I cannot seem to let go of certain things. Things that are completely unrelated to me. Things that I strangely feel I’m a part of. Things that I feel I must take charge of and steer into a more promising direction. It has probably been only once, that I have succeeded in achieving this or so I thought. Life outsmarted me again and I feel like a frustrated, desperate soul, trying to find a way back to the intended path. It seems impossible. I know it is somewhere around the corner but that corner eludes me. I feel I’m moving in an elliptical path or maybe a circular well of death. I tried to be God. But I’m not. But I won’t stop trying.

To the brother of the boy who drowned, I feel I lost a brother too. I’m not exaggerating. I felt like this the day I got the news and still feel the same.

To the mother of the girl who died after her friends played a prank on her, I feel like I lost my own daughter.

I may not be able to make your lives better and these words may not provide you with any comfort. Maybe I’m wasting my time thinking about how to correctly fit the pieces of YOUR jigsaw puzzle. But somewhere deep inside, I know this exercise that my brain takes, will benefit me. How? I do not know and I do not even wish to try and find an answer to it. I have others’ things on my mind.
God bless you all.

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“What’s the point in going to Goa when our parents would keep worrying?”

That is what my sister tells me was told to her by her friend and colleague when he last spoke to her last, informing her about the trip they had planned for Christmas and New Year. Sadly, he along with two more friends drowned in the sea. Trying to avoid any possible threat of terrorists in Goa, they went to Ratnagiri which is more secluded.

Three lives lost. Three friends lost. Three sons dead. Countless hearts broken. As I sit here and go through their individual scrapbooks on Orkut and their blogs, I cannot help but wonder what they did to deserve this.

Their blogs and profiles and there for the world to see and be amazed at the uncertainity of life. You navigate to the previous page and there are scraps wishing them a merry xmas. Suddenly, the mood changes. There are no happy messages anymore. When I see my sister cry, I feel like crying myself. I have never spoken to them, never seen them. But just looking at the situation and what remains of them online and offline, moves me. I really don’t know what the policy of Google is in regard to profiles of members who passed away but I really wish Google preserves these profiles and blogs – for their friends, their families…

The day the trio drowned, Garima tells me she dreamt of herself with another friend who was present in Ratnagiri. Abhinav and Garima are laughing, laughing like crazy. Suddenly, they start wailing. Crying.

I sign off with a lump in my throat. May you three rest in peace. And may peace be upon the near and dear one’s. The void shall remain but God will give you strength.

Here’s a blog set up by one of their friends as a tribute.

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I know I’m being a bit harsh here, but the previous post just nudged me on to write some more. Who is a wannabe? Wikipedia tells me that:

A Wannabe (pronounced “Won-ah-bee”) is a person who imitates or emulates another

You ask me, how is that a crime? People emulate others and that is how one’s personality evolves, right? WRONG! People learn from others and incorporate what they see fit into their own personality and lifestyle. They add a touch of their own to what they acquire from others. Even though, it is far from being original, it is what is acceptable.

Wannabes on the other hand have the sheep mentality. They follow and copy someone, or a trend blindly. Usually wannabes are harmless but as their copycat ways continue, they can take a turn for the worse and might try to beat the original trendsetter at any cost.

Symptoms of a wannabe :

1. During the initial phase, they are basically just nobody’s with no standing in the crowd.
2. They have a strong desire to learn from you and adopt.
   You got yourself a new pair of jeans and an hour later you see the wannabe with the same pair.
3. They have a special place in their brain to store whatever you say and seem to remember things long forgotten.
4. They are usually good listeners.
   They listen to you and your stories with such deep concentration that you get pumped to spit out more and more and more!
5. They are clever at making stories.
   Clever is an understatement here. The stories that you narrated in the previous stage will now come back to haunt you. You suddenly realise that whatever you told them, is now being rebranded and narrated to others as if it had happened to the wannabe himself. So, your plan of telling your friends that real life horror story of yours at the next get together goes down the drain.
6. They are jealous.
   The sooner you realise this, the better. Wannabes are jealous. They are jealous of where you stand amongst your peers, of what you have achieved and what you are.
7. They start teaching you.
   This comes a bit late but you are sure to arrive at this stage at one point of time or the other. The wannabe still considers you the guru but will now often cut your words to correct you. They’ll try to act all cool in front of others and will now narrate stories to you in a bid to show the rest of the crowd that they are now incharge.
8. They become your clones.
   Sadly, after the 7th stage, this is inevitable. You begin to see more and more of yourself in the wannabe. The way the wannabe talks to his sense of style. Everything seems to be a direct xerox copy of your own life. You want to stop this and take situation under your control but you fail.

Once they reach the 8th stage, it is usually impossible to reverse the trend. The wannabe is now armed and dangerous so you must proceed with utmost caution. The best way is to let the wannabe be until he tries to harm you in any way. That’s what I had done. But if the wannabe crosses that fine line and tries to act over smart, then don’t just stand there. That is the time when you must turn nasty yourself and prepare to eliminate the monster that you had yourself help create.

Slowly, bring out the truth in front of the others. Since the wannabe is usually a jealous retard who is heavily complexed, you do not have to try too hard. When the wannabe is confronted with the truth, he will always be defensive or will outrightly deny what you’re saying. The former is what usually holds true in my experience. The trick is to push the wannabe on the backfoot without making it too apparent to the rest of the world. You do not want everybody else to be thinking of you in the same way as you think of the wannabe.

You will begin to see the wannabe expose himself to others. You must strike hard and you must strike when it is abso-fucking-lutely hot! The moment you see him expose his true wannabe self, fire another round of fresh facts at him. Make him come face-to-face with the fact that he is a wannabe. Make sure that you prolong this process over a period of a few weeks or even months so that the world gets ample time to see the true colours. But keep in mind that people are selfish and bitchy. They will always try to take advantage of this animosity between you and the wannabe. The only rule to follow is that you have no friends here. You must only state the facts. No fiction allowed here or that might get you into trouble. State only those facts which you can easily counter in case the wannabe decides to confront you.

If you are smart and cautious enough, you can easily kill the wannabe. They have low self esteem and know whatever they have is acquired. Since they do not have originality they are perplexed by the situation and usually falter. So, just take it slow. Be careful that you do not become the villian. Paint your picture in such a way that it is the wannabe who is ridiculed.

And the most important point that you must remember. You do not have to destroy the wannabe yourself. You have to trigger his death. He will kill himself and will decay into oblivion. Be the trigger and not the bullet. Do not be at the forefront. Instead, guide the wannabe downhill from behind.

This post is dedicated to you “S“. Had you not rubbed me the wrong way, we would still have been friends. Your actions forced me to take concrete steps.

And all of you who actually read through this rubbish, everything written above is tried, tested and experienced. All thanks to S.

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…”Aap bari ho”…

…FINALLY!

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… a lot …

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Somebody… anybody… you…

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Its a little peculiar and I’ve only recently noticed this – I enjoy sadness. I like getting depressed. I like to have that pain shoot up inside of me. I like the feeling when my head gets so heavy that tears just trickle out of my eyes. I don’t know what to make of this condition because overall I’m quite happy and satisfied with my life. In fact, life’s never felt better and the future’s never looked so promising.

Then why do I find myself constantly listening to sad and depressing songs, watching movies that make me wanna cry (yes CRY!)… It’s beyond my reasoning. I’m not troubled by this recent revelation but I’m so fucking curious to find out the reason behind all this.

On my playlist : Seether – Waste.

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People are outside… partying… somehow this New Year scares me…

Anyways, Happy New Year… hopefully.

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…and every Indian is celebrating as if they won a lottery.

So India finally did it!! Against all odds, India finally managed to win the Twenty20 World Cup. Yes, a World Cup… that’s quite an achievement for our team. Sreesanth probably took the most memorable catch of his life. Harbhajan bowled one of the worst overs ever. Joginder Sharma was his normal crappy self as always. But we won.

The whole of Chandigarh celebrated. People dancing. Roads jammed… guys on roof of cars… dancing… the police failing miserably to control them. Rickshaw pullers, daily wagers on their bicycles… howling. Foreigners busy clicking pictures of kids sitting on the windows of their cars. TV reporters following insane fans on scooters. This was the scene in Chandigarh.

I don’t wish to write anymore. I have my exam tomorrow and I haven’t studied a word. I’ll leave you with a video of people celebrating inside (and outside) Café Coffee Day, Sector 35, Chandigarh. Truly amazing. Wonder what’s there in cricket that unites every Indian. Maybe it was the fact that we beat Pakistan!! JAI HIND!!

EDIT : Check out the condensation and water droplets falling from the AC vents. Might give you an idea of how hot (and crowded) it was in there!! Fun, nevertheless… better than watching at the stadium.

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I flunked in three exams in the first sem. I cleared all of them. Only one remains which is a mass repeat. Will hopefully clear that exam as well.
A lesson that I learnt was that it’s never to late to correct what went wrong. Better than crying and committing suicide.

Currently listening to :
Three Days Grace – Never Too Late

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Love… Humbles you… grounds you…

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Finally I’m back on the blog.

A lot has happened since my last post and even before it but I didn’t get time to write it down.

I bought a new phone, a Nokia N73 Music Edition. One beautiful gadget it is. My sister got married. I’ll put up some pictures soon. My college attendance touched an all time low. I met with a very deadly road accident; nothing serious happened to me but could have. Lets say I was a little lucky this time, escaped unhurt.

But there were fun times too. I spent a great deal of time with my girl, meeting up with her almost everyday. But then there were fights with her too.

And I think something’s happened to me, I get very tired towards the end of the day almost everyday which caused a lot of mood swings and thus causing a lot of fights with lotsa people.

I’m hating myself at the moment but I don’t know what else to do.

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Ummm… I guess something is wrong with me. I say something, people hear something else. Causing too many misunderstandings.
No one’s ready to listen to my side of the story. They just get angry.

Better go kill myself.

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Sorry for all the confusion. You guys can ignore the previous clarification now. The rumours turned out to be true . I am quite surprised myself. The truth came out on the 21st of January.

If you can’t understand this post, ignore and go do your chores.

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