…Clueless

It’s 12.30 AM. I’m in bed and not in a particularly good mood. I sit here, whiling away time and my mind wanders off somewhere. I do not daydream. I do not try to simply pass my time. I question. I question what happens to people. I question their fate.

I rarely find myself thinking about MYSELF. For the better part of the day, I am absorbed in my own thoughts. In these moments, I turn into a philosopher, a poet, a scientist… It’s like a flurry of emotions that take over my mind. I see what happens to people and try to analyze their situations. I do not merely wish to sympathize… I wish to empathize. In this weird pursuit of mine, I find myself imagining myself drowning in the sea, just like that young boy did. I imagine I’m his mother, sobbing at night, under the cover of darkness. I imagine I’m his brother who wishes he could tell him how much he loved him. I imagine I’m his girlfriend, cursing myself for fighting with him, one day before he was gobbled up by the unrelenting ocean.

It is a very unique feeling, to be able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes without even wearing them. My heart beats, as if it’s theirs. And all of this has evolved over a period of 10 years. I clearly remember myself, laughing heartlessly at situations which demanded respect. But there has been a complete metamorphosis.

This is when the queries arise. I keep thinking, keep trying to find answers to questions, which in the very first place are not even meant for me and in all probability do not serve any worthwhile cause. I cannot seem to let go of certain things. Things that are completely unrelated to me. Things that I strangely feel I’m a part of. Things that I feel I must take charge of and steer into a more promising direction. It has probably been only once, that I have succeeded in achieving this or so I thought. Life outsmarted me again and I feel like a frustrated, desperate soul, trying to find a way back to the intended path. It seems impossible. I know it is somewhere around the corner but that corner eludes me. I feel I’m moving in an elliptical path or maybe a circular well of death. I tried to be God. But I’m not. But I won’t stop trying.

To the brother of the boy who drowned, I feel I lost a brother too. I’m not exaggerating. I felt like this the day I got the news and still feel the same.

To the mother of the girl who died after her friends played a prank on her, I feel like I lost my own daughter.

I may not be able to make your lives better and these words may not provide you with any comfort. Maybe I’m wasting my time thinking about how to correctly fit the pieces of YOUR jigsaw puzzle. But somewhere deep inside, I know this exercise that my brain takes, will benefit me. How? I do not know and I do not even wish to try and find an answer to it. I have others’ things on my mind.
God bless you all.

1. Bad death… : So Pramod Mahajan passed away today after battling it out for 12 days. God Bless Him. I dunno but most of the time I keep thinking that I’m gonan die a dog’s death. Dunno why… Like I would be shot at or brutally murdered. At night, I keep thinking that somebody’s gonna break into my house [...]...
2. Dasvidaniya : “What’s the point in going to Goa when our parents would keep worrying?” That is what my sister tells me was told to her by her friend and colleague when he last spoke to her last, informing her about the trip they had planned for Christmas and New Year. Sadly, he along with two more friends [...]...
3. I feel good : It’s amazing how you can speak right to my heart Without saying a word you can light up the dark Try as I may I can never explain What I hear when you don’t say a thing The smile on your face let’s me know that you need me There’s a truth in your eyes saying you’ll never leave [...]...
4. The Lost Values : Have we lost our basic values? Well they’re not even moral values but basic manners. I went to my friends house the other day and I was shocked to learn that the guy does not even posses the basic manners. His housemaid forgot to bring me a glass of water I had asked her to. The guy went crazy [...]...