…Clueless

It’s 12.30 AM. I’m in bed and not in a particularly good mood. I sit here, whiling away time and my mind wanders off somewhere. I do not daydream. I do not try to simply pass my time. I question. I question what happens to people. I question their fate.

I rarely find myself thinking about MYSELF. For the better part of the day, I am absorbed in my own thoughts. In these moments, I turn into a philosopher, a poet, a scientist… It’s like a flurry of emotions that take over my mind. I see what happens to people and try to analyze their situations. I do not merely wish to sympathize… I wish to empathize. In this weird pursuit of mine, I find myself imagining myself drowning in the sea, just like that young boy did. I imagine I’m his mother, sobbing at night, under the cover of darkness. I imagine I’m his brother who wishes he could tell him how much he loved him. I imagine I’m his girlfriend, cursing myself for fighting with him, one day before he was gobbled up by the unrelenting ocean.

It is a very unique feeling, to be able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes without even wearing them. My heart beats, as if it’s theirs. And all of this has evolved over a period of 10 years. I clearly remember myself, laughing heartlessly at situations which demanded respect. But there has been a complete metamorphosis.

This is when the queries arise. I keep thinking, keep trying to find answers to questions, which in the very first place are not even meant for me and in all probability do not serve any worthwhile cause. I cannot seem to let go of certain things. Things that are completely unrelated to me. Things that I strangely feel I’m a part of. Things that I feel I must take charge of and steer into a more promising direction. It has probably been only once, that I have succeeded in achieving this or so I thought. Life outsmarted me again and I feel like a frustrated, desperate soul, trying to find a way back to the intended path. It seems impossible. I know it is somewhere around the corner but that corner eludes me. I feel I’m moving in an elliptical path or maybe a circular well of death. I tried to be God. But I’m not. But I won’t stop trying.

To the brother of the boy who drowned, I feel I lost a brother too. I’m not exaggerating. I felt like this the day I got the news and still feel the same.

To the mother of the girl who died after her friends played a prank on her, I feel like I lost my own daughter.

I may not be able to make your lives better and these words may not provide you with any comfort. Maybe I’m wasting my time thinking about how to correctly fit the pieces of YOUR jigsaw puzzle. But somewhere deep inside, I know this exercise that my brain takes, will benefit me. How? I do not know and I do not even wish to try and find an answer to it. I have others’ things on my mind.
God bless you all.

1. Some things don’t change : When my Grandma passed away, me and my sister were given her room. At first we both used to be very scared of sleeping all alone in that room. We were not used to even entering that room and not looking at our grandma. But slowly, things changed. We changed. We were not scared anymore. [...]...
2. When I’m Gone… : When I’m Gone… would you remember me? Would you? What would you miss most about me? Would you miss me at all? Is my presence on this earth of any significance? Here I am writing this… the next moment an earthquake shakes the earth… the ceiling comes crashing down on me… my skull’s smashed to [...]...
3. Me likes sadness : Its a little peculiar and I’ve only recently noticed this – I enjoy sadness. I like getting depressed. I like to have that pain shoot up inside of me. I like the feeling when my head gets so heavy that tears just trickle out of my eyes. I don’t know what to make of this [...]...