Well this is a continuation of my previous post L.0.v.E
But in this I also wish to discuss death.
What is love?
Yes what is it?? In my last post I said that I wanted to get into a meaningful relationship with someone from the opposite sex & LOVE her.
But don’t I love my parents? I am selfish to the core… don’t I love myself? Why do I need someone else? I don’t know.
I asked myself this question – Have I really loved someone? The answer came instantly – Yes 1. There was this girl, my senior, Nihar… I was crazy about her. She wasn’t a stunner but she caught my attention. I was class 10th. But then I gave it a deeper thought, did I really love her? Just as before, the answer came instantly… NO. I had spoken to her only once or twice & didn’t know her personally. I don’t believe in love at first sight (as yet 
). So loving her was out of the question. It must’ve been the fucking hormones playing around – Infatuation.
So that meant, I had never loved anybody.
Just then I looked at the wall next to my bed. On it, hung a picture of my grandma. One look at it flooded my mind & heart with fond memories. Yes, I had really loved someone!! My grandma.
Then I looked around… there was this picture of my Grandma & Me on my bedside… my grandma had her arms around me while I flashed a fake smile. I looked at her face. Her smile… reminded me of the poem ONCE UPON A TIME by Gabriel Okara which is in my English book. There was love, genuiness on her face. Every line on her face…
I just wanted to hug her so so so badly. But I couldn’t!!
When she passed away in 2001, my late uncle came & broke the news in the morning. She lived with us but was in the hospital cuz she had broken her hip.
You see, before that day, I had never taken death seriously. I used to laugh when I saw reports of deaths on television. Even when the news was broken to me, my instant reaction was a selfish cry that I did not want to go to school. I was such an asshole!! I will forever hate myself for that action. Few months later, my uncle passed away too. I was on a school trip to Bombay-Hyderabad. I called from Bombay to enquire about everyone’s health & my Dad told me that everybody’s was at uncle’s house coz he was unwell. The thought crossed my mind, CASUALLY… was he dead or something?? Again, I told myself not to let foolish thoughts cross my mind. I don’t know why but I never took death seriously. I came back… happy… & Dad told me that Uncle was dead. I was like… why did I even think that Uncle could’ve been dead?? But there was nothing I could do.
I miss Uncle… I miss Grandma…
I LOVED THEM.
Specially Grandma…
Dunno if I’d be able to love anyone else like that. I was closer to her than my mother.
I miss eating from her hands, miss her stories, … miss her presence.
Miss Uncle for being there for us when Dad was posted outside… miss him so much!!
LOVE you Biji & Babbi!!
Yes I’ve loved someone…
Some other posts that might interest you :
- When I’m Gone… : When I’m Gone… would you remember me? Would you? What would you miss most about me? Would you miss me at all? Is my presence on this earth of any significance? Here I am writing this… the next moment an earthquake shakes the earth… the ceiling comes crashing down on me… my skull’s smashed to [...]...
- Some things don’t change : When my Grandma passed away, me and my sister were given her room. At first we both used to be very scared of sleeping all alone in that room. We were not used to even entering that room and not looking at our grandma. But slowly, things changed. We changed. We were not scared anymore. [...]...
- Bad death… : So Pramod Mahajan passed away today after battling it out for 12 days. God Bless Him. I dunno but most of the time I keep thinking that I’m gonan die a dog’s death. Dunno why… Like I would be shot at or brutally murdered. At night, I keep thinking that somebody’s gonna break into my [...]...
- That’s the way life is ! : Just like that, I got reminded of this song I had heard as a kid. I used to love it. It made no sense that time but I loved it. Today, I downloaded it : Pet Shop Boys – Se a vida é. Now when I listened to it, I’m in love with this track [...]...
- The Da Vinci Code : I saw the movie day before yesterday. Quite frankly, I liked it. I hadn’t seen any favourable reviews on the net. Everybody told me that I wouldn’t understand the movie until I read the book. But I understood it. A lot of it was in French with subtitles. Even then I understood it. Acting was [...]...
rahul…..i think this is ur best post ever……..
it is really vry touchin….
yes it is vry true….love doesnt only mean love of a bf r gf……
before them we all loved nd still love r families!!!!
thx!
Kool Man
)
U know the difference between love, affection and infatuation. Wish U get love of ur life, (the opposite sex
Hey Kumar…I’m just trying to differentiate… I’m a confused soul, fickle minded…
Lets c how right I am!
neways thx 4 the gud wishes.
hey rahul I think I am the only person who knew about all this before the post was written—??
I think life is all about hugging real close and then letting go–you cannot hold on someone forever-you need let go people ,one day or the other.
And before this happens we must tell those people that we love them.
So before let me start from today.
I love you rahul for being such a great friend for about a decade!! for your friendship,yaari,cd’s,computer sessions and of course………for being there for me.
I love you jas for making the last year and a half one of the most memorable years of my school life, for your phone calls and messages.for your forwarded emails that I hardly read, for being my companion in my ups and downs.
Thank you people!! Life has been fun with you.
So
KEEP LOVING!! and express it before it is too late
c u later
Bye!!
Arjun
yup dude… u r the only 1 who knew it.
waise u sound like ur writing ur suicide note!!
joking.
Dude… I’m straight… stick 2 jas!! again joking!!
LOVE U 2 PAL!! Dunno wat life wud be without u!!
Cheers to our frndship!!
We need to let go… but its real hard. Sometimes the thoughts come back to ur mind n u r reminded of the ppl who u luved more than urself.
I guess that cez it all!! Memories shall remain forever… they are intangible.
So once again…
LUV U ALL!!
Luv u Arjun, Abhit, Ankit, Khanna, Pran (sorry girls… m not including u guys heya!!… but I luv u 2!!) !!
)!!
Ok how does it make a diff…. luv u “girls” 2 (2 many 2 name… u kno hu u guys r!!)
Love u dad, mom, tina, shivani, golu, computer (
hey even I thought that this sounded more like a suicide note when I finished writing it !! but i never had the strength to do it all over again!
now study hard rahul and everyone else!! –including me too
Arjun
dnt u guys have nythn bettr to tak than a SUICIDE NOTE………….u both have lost urselves________compltly!!!
hey jas we we were’nt talking about a suicide note but about Love ,Attachment,Life and Death!
Arjun
hey rahul, r u a geminite ?
sagittarian
u hve me on ur frndz list in hi5… check my birth date
HEy I am a geminite!!
Arjun
actually, i waz just 2 lazy 2 go dere n check it out!!! n sleepy also, gotta xam 2day.
Arjun, i know u r a geminite!
newaz, sagi’s rnt confused souls/fickle-minded, dey r haedstrong(+ve sense), n probably so r u!
its just under covers!
every1nz confused!!! I kno many of u wont agree. but every1nz confused. as for sagis being positive n headstrong… yah its sumwat true.
but i don’t actually believe in the pandits, starsigns n all!! a whole lot of crap!!
sorry 4 bng l8.
every1z confused, i agree.
but den itz not very typical of saggiz bng so!
it mit sound crap 2 u since u r non-bliever of dis stuff.
c eg. even i m confused wedr 2 bleive in all dis or not !!!
uv got me thinkin bro! love dis post.. very deep, sensitive n touching..
One of the beautiful posts i’ve read. I was looking for some sensible stuff and found it.
I’m writing a long story about my life also, I was not attached to my grandpa n granny so did not miss them.. but felt the same way when one of my mother’s friend passed away. I still miss her a lot.. even if we were not blood relatives and while reading your blog she came into my mind. I do not know what was that?
Since this topic is about love and death, so let me talk to about love also. This is my story of love.. I’ve also had so many infatuations but i still remember the feeling love, when i felt for the first time. It is still confine in my heart and after that i had so many flings n i have started loving few of them also but still i cant forget it. But still I’m not sure if it was love, infatuation or an ego? As i too did not tell the person I m into him, n i know i would never do that, then y do i still get the same vibes when i hear his name or get a text from him. Why do i have saved all of his texts still now which i got few years back. Or is it the ego that since I haven’t got the guy, so once i’ll get the guy i’ll loose intrest. I really dont know..
i feel there is a very thin line between infatuation/love and anything else.. as we cant differentiate by discussing it till the time we are silent for ever.
Thanks for the appreciation.
There is always someone in your life, be it your friends or family, that you are deeply attached to. It’s been 9 years since my Grandmother passed away. I still miss her. There are times when someone will tell you the regular stuff like, “move on”, “forget the past” but it seems very stupid in this context. You cannot just MOVE ON like that. These were poeple who were intimately involved in your life.; so close that you did not consider them a separate entity but a part of yourself.
Your last line is probably the most hard-hitting – “time the time we are silent forever”. Some things are just meant to be, the way they are. I had someone better in store for me. I found her. It’s not your ego, just that feeling of WHAT IF. Could things have been different or better? But unfortunately, there is no definite way of looking beyond this uncertainty other than jumping into the ocean yourself. Either you jump into the ocean and swim across to find out if you survive or you turn back and find a boat and take a different route altogether.